Headlines (Jay Leno)

"Headlines" is a segment on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno airing weekly. The segment usually airs on Monday, though at times it airs on Tuesday. It was first seen in 1987, when Jay Leno was still a guest host. Viewers submit funny newspaper headlines from all over the world.

Categories

 * Odd names: Weird names for restaurants or other businesses (e.g. Hu Dat) or people (Phat Ho), or names that sound like obscenities in English (e.g. Ho Bich Nga in Vancouver, Canada, or Miso Harney Sushi).


 * Does this make any sense?: Things that make little or no sense, although they might make sense in context (such as a reference to eating Chihuahua sandwiches, which is assumed means the dog and not the cheese). "Supreme Court ponders whether innocent person can be executed." "In Mount Hood rescue a warm dog, frequency mean a happy."


 * Contradictions: Obviously contradictory or illogical headlines, statements made that are contrary to assumptions about a specific group, or headlines that reflect on the editors of the article. "Homeless man sentenced to house arrest," "Come to the Hannukah party and get your picture taken with Santa," "People think aliens must be more smarter than us."


 * The Obvious: Headlines such as "Kayaking is hard when the water is frozen," "Bridges help people cross rivers," or "Warmer weather may make snow disappear."


 * Poorly worded: Examples include "East Tennessee aglow over nuclear jobs," "Dry cleaner working on the same spot for 15 years," or "Children Cook & Serve Grandparents."


 * Weddings: Wedding announcements in the papers with bizarre name combinations, i.e. "Long-Short," "Hardey-Bouyes," etc. These are set aside for the last few Headlines in a stack when they are included in the broadcast.


 * Typos: Words that are misspelled and thus have a new meaning, i.e. "land of milk and hiney," "Thompson's Penis a Sword" (meant Tommy Thompson's pen is a sword), "It was the incest little car" (meant "it was the nicest little car"), and "Martian Luther King Day." Others are phonetic spellings, such as "Pick Neck Table," "Jerry Atrick chair," or "Palm Iranian" Dog, and Jay usually says "I'm a little dyslexic and a bad speller, but at least I ask somebody when I need help" "or I know you don't spell Geriatric like this."


 * Mispositioned photos: Pictures, taken by professional photographers, with bizarre positioning. Examples include people with things positioned behind them to look like their noses are growing, and a man placed in front of a tree in the distance, thus making it look like he has an afro. Strange drawings also turn up, such as unintentionally sexually suggestive photos or photos that seem not to have anything to do with the subject (photo of cheerleaders jumping for an article on firefighters), or maps that have wrong places named, such as Boston, Massachusetts located in India. One particular example showed a "Suspect Sought in Robbery" next to a picture of Jay himself taken while he was performing at a comedy club. (Jay: I got a good look at him officer. He was very handsome.)


 * Mispositioned ads: Advertisements that have been placed next to each other that do not take into account what will be suggested when placed together. An example of this includes two separate advertisements that make it appear than a man has a tire growing out of his head.


 * Incongruous ads: These consist of display advertisements for "1/2 Sandwich (Choice of turkey, ham, tuna, BLT, or Bat)" or "Something Your Kids Will Love" next to a picture of Coors Light, or classified advertisements such as "WANTED: Someone who can speak Australian." Real estate ads for luxury buildings that picture shacks or buildings succumbing to landslides, or poorly worded or misspelled car ads (often introduced with "I'm a car guy and I thought I knew all the cars on the market. I guess I don't know this model…") often are shown.


 * Photos with inappropriate objects: Items sometimes appear in photos which do not belong. Examples include a picture of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck with a black hand on Ben's shoulder and a picture of Jennifer Connelly wearing a shirt with two buttons positioned in a way that, in black-and-white, look like nipples.


 * Before and after: Advertisements with "before and after" pictures, where the pictures are obviously of different persons (or dogs of different breeds), or of the same person, but not showing any improvement.


 * People used in multiple ads: A photo of a model, a criminal, or other featured person in an ad or news story is reused in the same publication.


 * Strange products: Either obvious rip-offs ($100 for a gymnastic stick, "send in $100 to learn how to make money at home"-type ads), strange and useless innovations (a marshmallow spinner for campfires), or normal products with odd descriptions (kosher Easter candy or suggesting wearing a blindfold while driving a car).


 * Menu items: Sometimes, restaurants have items on their menu with strange, sometimes unwittingly obscene names, i.e. "Poo Thong," "Cream of Sum Yung Gui" or "Fuk Kin Fried Rice." Often the menus will be completely mistranslated from a foreign language, making the results sound humorous (i.e. "Consumny gaw, or undercookel meats may increase your risk of foodbone illness, especially if you have cestain medical conditions").


 * Clothing for Animals: Leno has repeatedly stated that this is a personal pet peeve of his, and shows items, usually from a catalog, meant to be worn by a pet, usually a cat or a dog. Jay usually says that they are ridiculous because the animal would refuse to wear the item, and the owner would likely be attacked if he or she attempted to dress the pet. Jay usually says "Your dog/cat is not going to wear that!"


 * Stupid criminals: Often described by Jay as something he "loves," they tell stories of criminals who make "dumb" mistakes, i.e. criminals who showed ID when asked, held their hands in front of their faces to disguise themselves, and showing their picture on America's Most Wanted for ID. On several occasions, there have been stupid victims, such as a man reporting his bicycle stolen, and when the police arrived, they found what appeared to be a bicycle chain combination near the bicycle rack, and when asked, the victim claimed he left the combination there in case he forgot it.


 * Police blotter: Police radio transcripts and local police logs with strange items ('a woman calling in to report that she had a stupid husband' and 'chicken at large'), possible typos (donuts found loitering in a field), or misunderstanding the problem (a man mistakes a gun for a birthday cake, a boy calling Help, which was the name for his cat). Jay usually reads this in a stern tone of voice, like that of a police officer.


 * Criminal sketches: Articles about criminals that contain a sketch of the criminal that is either poorly drawn or lacks sufficient detail (often a sketch of someone with a stocking cap over his face). Jay reacts to the sketches by sarcastically saying "If you've seen this criminal, call the police!"


 * Hand-drawn ads: Similar in concept to criminal sketches, but used to identify non-criminal things (e.g. a person selling a pick-up truck, but did not have a photo of the truck, so he hand-drew a rough sketch of a truck).


 * Dual meanings: Headlines with phrasing that gives a different meaning than what the author intended, i.e. "Fat kids make huge impact" or "Condom found in bag of nuts".


 * What Do You Think?: Newspapers often ask people about controversial issues. Non sequitur responses are sent in, i.e. a college student asked about the gay marriage debate replies that he hasn't thought about it because he just woke up, and a man with a cigarette hanging from his mouth disapproves of cell phone towers because they "give you cancer." One man responds to the question "whether the high price of gas would ruin their vacation" with "No, because I'm going to jail." Another woman was asked what she was doing to protect the environment. She replied, "Someone stole my car, so now I don't drive."


 * Jay Leno's Chin: On occasion, a news article or an ad making a mention of looking like Jay Leno (referencing his chin) will be seen.

Influence
Since the early 1980s, David Letterman has been doing a similar segment called Small Town News (albeit on and off) on Late Night and The Late Show. Conan O'Brien parodies Headlines on Late Night in a segment called Actual Items, which uses advertisements purposefully doctored by the show's prop and writing staffs.

On December 18, 2006, both Letterman and Leno included in their segments an item in the Dallas Morning News about Letterman, which included a photograph of Leno.

Publications
Leno released several compilations of Headlines during the late 1980s and early 1990s:
 * Headlines: Real but Ridiculous Headlines from America's Newspapers
 * More Headlines
 * Headlines III: Not The Movie, Still The Book
 * Headlines IV: The Next Generation
 * Jay Leno's Police Blotter: Real-Life Crime Headlines

Wil B. Strange includes "personal ads from the book 'Jay Leno's Headlines'" in an issue of Campus Life.