Banned from Argo

Banned From Argo is a filk song originally written and recorded by reknowned genre artist Leslie Fish (sometimes credited as "The Dehorn Crew with Leslie Fish", the Dehorn Crew being Fish's early collaborators and musical accompaniment), originally released in 1977. The song is considered by fans of filk to be one of the best in the genre.

Banned From Argo pokes fun at the conventions and characters of the original Star Trek television series. Though no character described in the song is mentioned by name, they are identified by their shipboard title/duties and certain characteristics (such as Captain Kirk's sexual escapades or Scotty's taste for alcohol), and are stated to be a Starfleet crew in the final verse. The framework of the song's "story" is the starship crew's stop at "Argo Port" (possibly a reference to the stars in the Greek constellation Argo Navis) for shore leave, where their antics result in chaos and destruction, prompting the planet's government to ban them from returning, as stated in the chorus:

"And we're banned from Argo, everyone. Banned from Argo, just for having a little fun. We spent a jolly shore leave there, for just three days or four, But Argo doesn't want us anymore."


 * (The final chorus adds a faux-innocent "Wonder why?" to end the song.)

The song is played in a bluegrass style, with guitars and banjos as the only musical accompaniment. It follows a pattern of single verse followed by single chorus, with an instrumental interlude, the length of one verse and chorus together, between the second-to-last chorus and the final verse.

The crew's escapades in the song include (in order of appearance):
 * "The Captain" (James T. Kirk) indulging his sexual appetites with "five partners, each of a different world and sex", requiring an escape by transporter to prevent his arrest by the "shore police".
 * The "Engineer" (Montgomery "Scotty" Scott) and "Navigator" (Pavel Chekov) engaging in a drinking contest, with the Engineer winning and the Navigator beating "almost all". The pair then drunkenly leave a shuttlecraft parked on top of a government building.
 * The "proper, cool First Officer" (Mr. Spock) being drugged "with something green" and assualted in an alley, said to have "suffered things obscene". He seems to make a full recovery, but then proceeds to teach the ship's computer to speak profanity.
 * "The Head Nurse" (Christine Chapel) acquiring "an odd green potion guaranteed to cause Pon farr", the uncontrollable Vulcan mating urge (a reference to Chapel's romantic interest in Mr. Spock, and quite likely the explanation of what happened to Spock in the previous verse). She returns to the ship happy, but without her uniform and walking in a painful manner "with her feet a yard apart".
 * "Our lady of Communications" (Uhura) wins "a shipwide bet" by altering Argo's planetary communication system so that video transmissions viewed on Argo will make all people on the screen appear to be nude.
 * The "Doctor" (Leonard "Bones"McCoy) is arrested for "inciting whores to riot", and has to be transported out of jail, "intact except for hickies and six kinds of VD".
 * The "Helmsman" (Hikaru Sulu) brings some exotic (and apparently intelligent and mobile) plants with him on shore leave; the ship later receives a transmission from Argo's planetary governor, who claims that "a gang of plants entwined his house and then seduced his wife".
 * When a gang of space pirates lands on Argo and witnesses the Starfleet crew at play, the pirates flee the planet rather than be drawn into the debauchery.
 * After the instrumental break, the final verse states the crew's pride for being "Starfleet's finest" and for leaving "a trail a mile wide" when they're on leave. There is also a quick apology to the inhabitants of Argo for the effects of their "play", and a note that Argo won't be forgetting this starship crew anytime soon.